Like we weren’t even there…

by Brenda on

We went to an event tonight, with a bunch of families we do another activity with (is that vague enough?). Everyone bought tickets to this event, and we were mostly all near each other. Well, not everyone. I’m pretty sensitive to thinking about who wasn’t there. I’m used to it being us. Honestly, this time, I felt pretty “cool” to be in the crowd and to be with all of the people who always do things together…

At one point, people were saying “we should get a photo of all of the kids together.” YES! Then thoughts ran through my head, “but then they’ll post it on Facebook, and all of those people who didn’t get invited to this event will feel sad and left out.” (See where my brain goes?) I chatted with another mom about an upcoming ice cream party and how to make it peanut free (caring that my daughter was included), while crowds poured out of the event, around us.

I mentioned again, “we should get a photo of the kids,” and someone said “oh, they already did!” They did? I looked at the photo and said, about to cry, “but my kids weren’t in it.” She didn’t seem to hear. “But my kids weren’t in it…” another mom said “oohhhhh” like she agreed it was sad. I appreciate that she cared.

I tried to gather everyone up again, and many had left. We got a photo with a few of the stragglers, and some random people I don’t know who aren’t in our “group,” but other people in our group knew them. So that’s what we got…..

But when the photo of “all of the kids from this group” goes up on social media tonight (it’s probably already up), it looks like we weren’t even there.

I was choked up when someone else tried to say hi to me. I was nice, but felt an urgency to get out of that place and let the tears flow. I cried the whole walk to the car.

Why does this bother me so much? Why does it hurt so bad to not be welcomed in, invited, included? And why does it always seem like we are those people who just get forgotten about? It’s a particularly painful sore spot for me. Is it for everyone?

And again, I’m opening up, to who knows who on the internet, and that feels vulnerable…but I’m reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, and the book encourages vulnerability, so maybe I’m doing what I ought to be doing? I don’t know…I just needed to write about it, and cry some more….while eating chocolate (even though I did so well at eating healthy today). Oh well.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Trish April 22, 2017 at 3:40 am

Daring Greatly is an amazing book. It sidelined me for 6 months as I worked through it – it made me much more able to just put things out there – like “this isn’t working for me but I can’t articulate why”. I always felt like I had to have all the answers – and then I heard a sound bite from Gov Jerry Brown this week. After he left office the first time and didn’t think he would run again. He basically said the politicians have no idea what they are doing and they have NO PLAN to make anything happen. Hmmmmm. Maybe we just need a little more of the fake it til you make it action. You might also read Amy Cuddy’s book Presence – so good!

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